


Finding Carisi's Pride

by Skaurple



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Friendship, Humor, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Religious Conflict, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-22 14:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17061761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skaurple/pseuds/Skaurple
Summary: With the holidays fast approaching, Sonny fears his visit back home, and the pestering questions from his sisters about his lack of love life. Wanting to provide some sort of solution, Amanda, the very pregnant and very bored detective, takes on the mission of finding her friend a significant other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the season finale of Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia, season 13. It's an odd show to get inspiration from, I know.

Artificial snow swirled around the tiny glass sphere, and in it was a festive snow man that circled around an ice rink. Rollins, quite delighted by the antique, placed her newly bought snow globe in the corner of her recently organized desk. The paperwork that once scattered were now neatly piled upon the opposite corner. Each piece, inked in her signature which were carefully crafted by the pens jumbled in the pencil holder placed beside the pile of papers. Quite thought out were these pens, as Rollins had organized them in a colour coordinated fashion. She had done the same with her highlighters, then her paper clips, and when she found no other office supply to sort, she went ahead and cleaned up her file cabinets as well.

The blonde rained triumph when the task was completed. No longer were the days of random papers sticking out of folders, nor incorrectly filed documents. The power of organization had beat this irritable beast. All desks surrounding her would cry out of jealously because of how nice of a display Rollin's work space was. However, with one quick scan around the bullpen, she saw no one impressed, nor even present to witness her accomplishment. Her team had all left to solve real problems, that had a more drastic impact on society than Rollin's organized desk.

Overcome with boredom, Rollins planted her forehead against the surface of her table.

Desk duty, it was a real bummer. Even if it was meant to keep her stress at a minimum, it only made her more anxious and uncomfortable, and no matter how much she scooted in her seat, there was no possible way to get comfortable. Though probably the doing of her very pregnant belly, she continued to think otherwise.

"Goddamnit, this is absolutely insane!" A sudden cry from the distance had echoed throughout the precinct. "Total bullcrap!"

Amanda perked up, like a dog hearing the door bell ring. Finally, the excitement she craved practically came storming into the bullpen. It was Fin and Carisi holding a loud and fidgety perp by his arms, while Benson followed behind. The detectives all wore stoic expressions, clothing covered in snow, and they stomped their way to the interview emulating such confidence and power. The perp continued to complain and spur out highly offensive insults, while trying to wiggle his way out of the grasp of the two detectives, but they only tightened. It brought a sort of satisfaction to Rollins, seeing the man they have been seeking for days squirm so hopelessly. The perp was a 40 year old college professor, and a bit of a bigger guy. He was suspected to have been apart of a string of sexual assaults throughout the past two months or so. All victims were male students that attended the school he taught at.

Rollins wondered how they caught the guy. He seemed like a runner, and probably a fighter as told by Carisi's developing bruise under his eye. Rollins thought to follow her squad but Benson gestured her to stay seated as they did the interrogation.

Rollins was in the process of lifting herself up from her chair. "I can handle it."

Bensons answer stood the same. "Just take it easy, Rollins."

With this, Carisi and Fin lead the perp into the interrogation room, while Olivia entered her office to observe from the two-way-mirror. From where Rollins was seated, she was able to steal curious glances towards the two-way-mirror in Bensons office, and she could see only slightly of what was transpiring inside. From the looks of it, Carisi was taking the lead in interrogating. Her interests peeked even more, and she tried to get a better view. That was until Benson shut the door, leaving Amanda back to sorting her coloured pens.

A defeated sigh was released, and with it, Rollins leaned into her chair and allowed her head to be supported by the headrest. Rollins, being put to the sides was becoming more of an excessive habit, especially these few weeks. She understood why, but that did not stop her from being peeved by the fact she could not at least watch the interrogation go down. All the paperwork, and all the sitting, and all the phone calls were beginning to drive her insane. She needed to move her legs. She needed to feel the thrill of solving a case. She needed to be a detective. She was bored. Unmotivated. In desperate need of any sort of distraction, at this point.

As if an answer from above, the sudden sound of an obnoxiously loud ringtone, that could only be identified as a 8-bit version of Jingle Bells, came piecing through Rollin's thoughts. It was a rather annoying solution to her boredom, and she gave an evil glare to the direction of where the sound was coming from. The already irritated blonde could not have rolled her eyes further back into her skull than she did at the moment, once realizing it was Carisi's personal cell phone. Admittedly, it did not come to a surprise to her now knowing Carisi was the type of person to change his ringtone to correspond with the date and occasion.

Seeing as Carisi's unintentional interruption had caused everyone in the precinct to become distracted, Rollins rolled her chair over to his desk to put his phone on silent. Her grumpy mood slowly faded into a small grin of delight, once seeing a selfie of Carisi and Bella, his younger sister, displayed on his screen as the caller ID. The ringing stopped shortly thereafter. Suddenly, in came a text,

_**Bella** : SONNY!!!!_

Was the first message, and it quickly continued,

_**Bella** : Why aren't u responding back to my calls n texts?! I know u've seen them, stop ignoring me!!!_

_**Bella** : I need your confirmation for next week... R u gonna bring your new boyfriend over or what???_

Something sparked in Rollins, a sort of urgency and alertness, when reading the last text. It caught her off guard and it took her a moment to process before she made the quick decision of flipping Carisi's phone over, with the screen now facing flat on the table, and texts no longer clearly displayed for all to see. The worried blonde gave glances around to make sure no one had been eavesdropping.

Rollins remained shocked, but had already known of Carisi's bisexuality. He had told her personally, when they were out at a bar one night, just the two of them, a few months back. The subject of his love life somehow managed to weave itself into their conversation that night, and Carisi expressed himself in a very modest and honest way. There was a glimpse of glee seen in his glowing, blue eyes when he uttered the words, "I think I'm bisexual..."

He then let out a sigh, his stiff mannerisms had faltered, and he allowed himself to sink into his chair with a soft smile across his face. He had been struggling with his attraction for men for several years now, but it was only recently he accepted himself as bisexual. A sort of warmth transpired inside of Rollins, seeing how relaxed he now appeared. It was also quite nice to know that their friendship was strong enough for him to share such an intimate detail.

Despite his relief of finally coming out, Carisi asked Rollins to keep it between them two, as he hadn't told anyone but her and his family. Rollins respected his wishes ever since that night.

But, what Rollins hadn't known was the fact that Carisi had a boyfriend. That is what kept her eyes widen in shock.

Who could this unidentified person be? How long had he been seeing him? Was it someone she knew?

These questions distracted Rollins for the entirety of the day. She did not want to invade Carisi's personal life but, to know a good friend of hers who she cared about immensely, was possibly in love, gave Rollins great joy. Truly, her cold front could not hide her obsession for the romantics.

When the rest of the squad finished up with the interview and paper work, Rollins was in the kitchen staring at a wide assortments of boxed donuts that had no appeal to her whatsoever at the moment, yet she took one anyway and gulped it down. Her slouching posture quickly straightened, seeing as Carisi was making his way into the kitchen. He looked upset and quite irritated, presumably due to the messages he received from his sister.

But, once he stepped inside the kitchen, he did not begin ranting about his family life, but rather about the man they just arrested.

"This guy was somethin' else, Rollins." Was Carisi's way of greeting Rollins.

She watched him with an eyebrow quirked up, as he approached the fridge, taking out an ice pack. He leaned against the counter, and faced the blonde while placing the ice onto his bruise.

Without verbally addressing his injury, Carisi continued with his heated speech, "Straight up, no hesitation whatsoever, he confesses to touchin' those boys without their consent. Then he tries to justify it by sayin' he was helpin' young men explore their sexuality!"

Rollins reacted with a wince hearing about the perp. Perhaps it was a good idea after all, to distance herself away from the interrogations.

"And, to top it all off," Carisi continued, "he's accusing us of discriminating against homosexuals, such as himself because apparently, we're not allowing him to express himself freely."

Rollins rolled her eyes at this and crossed her arms over her pregnant belly. "Geez, what a joke. No matter how many interrogations we've done, the excuses and deflections these guys throw at us will never not sound insane to me."

Carisi nodded his head in agreement and wore a face of disappointment and frustration. It wasn't rare to see him to be genuinely disturbed by a perp, but he seemed more bothered than usual. Rollins thought to share words of comfort, but when she had opened his mouth to speak, Carisi's phone suddenly began to buzz aggressively with text messages. Now, his eyes were focused on his phone, and Rollins looked down at her half-eaten donut to appear as distracted as he seemed to be.

She could not help but spy on him through the side of her eyes, as he now threw his thumbs around the keyboard. Not too long after, he let out an exasperated sigh. Rollins took this as a cue to speak again.

"Everythin' good?" She gazed at him once again.

He took a few moments to respond. "Yeah, I'm alright." He then slipped his phone into pant pocket and returned his attention towards the blonde. "Sister's just bein' annoying again."

"Again?" Rollins repeated with a smirk.

He looked off to the side and nodded. "They're always pesterin' me, y'know? Love them to death but, my god, a little space would be appreciated."

"I get that." Rollins let out a sigh of her own, thinking of her own younger sister.

A pause of silence followed thereafter, and Rollins bit the side of her cheek. Looking at Carisi, her curiosity heightened. The questions regarding his mystery boyfriend came swarming back into her conscience, and she wondered if she could somehow subtly bring the topic up.

"What are they botherin' you about?" She decided to ask, and she did so with a sort of naivety in her tone.

Carisi shrugged. "Y'know, stuff."

Rollins gave him a look of skepticism and he shifted his posture uncomfortably. With a slight delay he sighed, and went on to add to his lame answer, "My sisters and I visit Ma every Christmas, and we throw this little family get together with a bunch of other relatives joinin' us as well,"

Rollins nodded, already familiar with his holiday traditions.

"It's fun, it really is." Carisi admitted. "I mean, I get to spend quality time with cousins I haven't seen in years! But--" He but his lip and shook his head. "There are absolutely no boundaries. They get all in my face about marriage and kids, then they make fun of me for not havin' one or the other. It was only kinda funny at first but now I'm pretty sure they genuinely concerned that I'm havin' trouble finding "the one"."

"Well, are you?" Questioned Rollins in a murmured manner, keeping in mind this mystery boyfriend Carisi may have.

He looked at her with a glare of contempt. She tried keep eye contact with him despite being rather discomforted by his evil stare.

"I'm fine." He responded blankly. "I don't have a partner currently, but I'm fine."

Rollins nodded, a bit confused by his answer.

"But my sisters, they think I'm miserable." Carisi went on. "So, they take it upon themselves to find me "the one", and introduce me to people I clearly have no connection with. Its sweet, I guess? But also really annoying... That's why I kinda uh," His tone suddenly shifted into something more low, as he dragged his free hand through his silver hairs. "I lied to them about having a boyfriend." He gave glances to the floor, then to Rollins to view her reaction, and she lifted her eyebrows in amusement. He quickly continued with an explanation, "I just-- I don't want them worrying about me, y'know? They're already stressed as it is."

That explains the text, Rollins thought to herself.

She then asked out loud, "Are they expecting you to bring this "boyfriend" of yours to your ma's place?" But she had already known the answer.

And he nodded his head, with guilt written upon his sad eyes.

"What are you going to do about that?" Rollins asked.

He shrugged. "I dunno, honestly, I was thinkin' about not visiting them this year."

"Oh," Rollins was quite surprised by his solution. "But, isn't it like a tradition? You're gonna stop going because you lied about having a boyfriend?"

"It's not just that, Rollins." He waved his hand. "I obviously will tell them the truth, but after I do that, everyone will be disappointed and hassle me with even more questions. I just-- I dunno, I just don't want to face the bombarding questions about my love life when I'm suppose to be makin' good memories."

Rollins thought for a moment, and slowly she spoke, "I know this may be a long shot, but why don't you just get a boyfriend?"

"Excuse me?" He scoffed

Then her eyes lit up with another idea. "Or like a fake boyfriend, just for this Christmas?"

He dragged his hand across his face. "Rollins, I'm not going to get a fake boyfriend--"

"Hear me out for a second." She stuck a finger up, and he rolled his eyes. "Have you ever brought someone back home?"

"Once or twice." He answered, still with his hand upon his face.

"And your families faces, how did they look?"

"Ecstatic."

Despite his tone dripping in sarcasm, Rollins went on in an enthusiastic manner, "So, why don't you bring that joy back for the holiday season?"

"Rollins," His voice went softer, almost a whisper. He looked around hastily, and then quickly took a seat next to Rollins. "The difference between then and now is that I brought women home. This year, they're expectin' me with a guy."

"I mean, you've come out to them and they all accepted you, right?"

He nodded with a shrug.

"Then, why are you so afraid?"

"I'm not-- afraid." He spoke with a defensive tone. "I'm just-- I dunno, I guess I'm just not ready."

"Not ready?" She repeated slowly.

"Yeah," He began to tap his finger on the table repeatedly. "Like, not ready to be in a gay relationship, I guess."

She tilted her head in genuine curiosity, "You've never been in one before?"

He shook his head slowly. Rollins didn't even have to ask for him to continue with an explanation, "I uh, I kinda haven't been goin' out all that much lately, so I guess I just dunno where to look..." He scratched the back of his neck. "But, the thing is, I don't feel like looking. I thought finally coming out to you and my sisters would bring me some sort of confidence in me-- and it did, but for some reason, I still don't feel right. Like, i still have some burden within me that I need to release." He paused, closed his eyes, and let out a breathy sigh. "I guess, I'm not feeling all that proud."

Rollins wore a slanted frown as she viewed her solemn friend. She admittedly, did not completely understand what he meant, nor was she sure how to comfort him in the dilemma he faced. Perhaps silence was the best option, to avoid offending him by accident. Or maybe Carisi truly did need a friend to help him out, as he may be as clueless as she was.

Rollins thought hard for a moment, in desperate need of a solution. With the last bite of her her donut gone, a light bulb practically hovered over her head.

"Maybe you just need to find where you belong in the community?" She offered and Carisi looked at her with unsureness. "If you're wanting to be proud of being bisexual, then I think you have to, like, immerse yourself in the community?"

He considered this, and leaned back against his chair. "And how would I do that?"

"Go on a date?" She suggested with a shrug, and he crossed his arms uncomfortably. She continued, seeing his discomfort. "It doesn't have to lead anywhere, just get to know people the people in your community. That's a start, right?"

"I guess."

He sounded unconfident, and Rollins placed a hand on his arm and looked at him with soft eyes. "Hey, Carisi, I get it, your hesitant. This is all very new to you. If you need help on how to get started, I'm here."

His eyes locked with hers, and she smiled. "Y-yeah, that sounds nice."

Rollins felt an exciting spark within her. It wasn't quite the mission she thought she would get herself wrapped into, but she welcomed it with opened arms. Only in movies or television has she seen the trope of a best friend helping someone find love during the holiday season. If she did everything correctly, Carisi would be under the mistletoe with the man of his dreams, as gentle Christmas songs played in the background to further set the romantic tone. It was a fantasy Rollins never thought she would see become a reality.

With exhilaration running through her veins, she stood up from her chair, and Carisi held her arm to assist her. She looked at him with gleeful eyes, and for once, Carisi was the grumpy one. Despite his lack of enthusiasm, Rollins kept a gleaming smile. "Lets go find your pride!"

She exclaimed, and Carisi watched her worriedly as she marched her way out of the kitchen.

It was surely, going to be a Christmas to be remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably won't finish writing this before Christmas comes along... sorry in advance! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, feedback is always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

"You sure you're up for this?" Carisi spoke with a comforting hand on Rollin's back.

The two detectives had paused in the middle of a slippery sidewalk, when Rollins suddenly felt cramps transpire through the side of pregnant belly. She let out pained grunts as she gently grazed her thumb against the bothered area until it simmered down.

Despite her displeasure, a grin emerged and she nodded at Carisi. "I should be asking you that."

He squinted at her. "I mean, you're the pregnant one."

"And you're the one going on a few blind dates."

Carisi frowned and rolled his eyes. It had been a few days since their talk in the kitchen, and now, on their day off, the two found themselves heading to a bistro for a speed dating event for gay men. It was a surprise trip that Carisi had no choice in partaking, due to the very determined and very persistent blonde, who only notified him about the whole adventure an hour in advanced.

She came upon the event with a quick google search during her free time at the precinct. Not all results were what she expected, as she came across a few interesting and rather mature rated choices. The images and links displayed on her personal laptop made her flustered and utterly confused. Then curiosity crept in, and she couldn't help but wonder if Carisi was into the sort of things presented on her screen. Immediately, she shook her head, forcing herself to push the thoughts away. That was probably something for Carisi to explore by himself.

With excitement in Rollins walk, and discomfort in Carisi's, the two made their way to the bistro, but made multiple pauses along the way due to Rollins aching body.

Holding her breath, Rollins felt another cramp, and her eyes widened at the impact this time around. She kept her self from letting out an audible yelp, and instead, bit her tongue, and roughly swallowed down her saliva. A worried Carisi now had both his hands supporting her, as if she was going to faint at any moment.

"Alright, how 'bout we just turn around, and you get some rest?" Carisi began rotating her to the opposite direction of where they were heading. "I'll drop you off at Al's and he can make you some soup, or whatever."

With a sharp glare, Rollins made him pause, and he displayed widening eyes of fear. "You using my pregnancy as an excuse to avoid socializing?"

"Wha-"

Before he could answer, she swiftly turned back around, and walked passed him.

"Oh, cmon, that's not what I was doin'!" He yelled after her but she refused to stop in her path.

Despite Rollins' quick and confident stride, the heaviness of her pregnant belly made her feet ache within 5 minutes of walking, and her back crawl with a sort of prickly pain. She tried her best to keep a positive attitude for both Carisi and her own benefit, but the slushy snow obstructing her path was no help, nor was the freezing weather that somehow seeped inside her tightly confined jacket. Never has the mundane activity of strolling along a sidewalk been so stress inducing.

She let out a sigh of relief, once arriving at the entrance of the establishment. Yearning to feel the warm air of indoors, she held the door by the handle, but glanced over at Carisi before pulling it. He had shortly caught up to her, not nearly as tired nor as enthusiastic as she was to enter. Instead he anxiously looked through the windows, and caught a glimpse of the sort of men he would soon be interacting with. Some short with broad shoulders, some tall and balding, some with formal wear, tight tuxs' and all, while others wore loose clothing and messy hair.

A comforting smile was brought upon Rollins face, and she assured Carisi that everything was going to be alright. She then opened the door, and stepped aside, and gestured Carisi to go in first. He did so, but held the door for Rollins as she entered as well.

The icy plate frozen against her rosy cheeks slowly melted, as the heat of the place introduced itself. Rollins allowed her tightened shoulders to relax, and her neck to be lifted from her wool scarf. Looking around, it was a charming atmosphere, mainly coloured an autumn hue. Oil paintings decorated the walls, along with photos of joyous customers. Right at the entrance, was a fish tank that doubled as a counter. Behind the counter was the host, who informed them that the event was going to begin in a few minutes, and in the meantime they were welcomed to mingle. The host then offered markers and a empty name tag. Seeing as most attendees wore one, Amanda encouraged Carisi to do the same. He did so after removing his jacket, and then he placed the sticker upon his chest, drawing a little smiley face inside the "o" in "Sonny".

Despite the gleeful doodle, Carisi still exhibited tense mannerisms, as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and gazed at the hardwood floor, rather than the wide range of men before him. It was such a rare and odd visual, seeing the usual loud and outgoing individual, act so timid and awkward. Rollins couldn't help but find him to look similar to a teenager forced to go to prom.

"Quite the pair two you are!"

Rollins side eyed the voice that had suddenly spoken, and saw a tall, broad, and curly haired individual, seated on a stool beside the duo. His attire was similar to a lumberjack, as he wore a red and black plaid button up shirt, along with baggy jeans that tucked into his combat boots. Upon his upper chest, was a name tag that wrote, "Lucas".

"Uh, thanks." Carisi said rather slowly, perhaps unknowing how to respond.

Lucas scratched his scruffy jaw, as his grin brought his cheek bones upwards. Not very discreetly, he gave a quick look up and down at Carisi, before doing the same to Rollins but instead of interest, he did so in a confused yet amused manner. Rather bothered by his reaction, she opened her mouth to speak, but It was then she realized, everyone in the bestro was eyeing her.

"Ah, shit--" She blurted, now coming to the conclusion that she was the only female present in an all gay men event. With a proper tone, she then went on to ask Lucas, "Is it appropriate for me to be here or should I be leaving?"

"Don't worry," Lucas gave a light chuckle before responding with a toothy smile, "a lot of men bring friends for emotional support and what not. It's kinda like having a personal cheerleader, or a really proud mom..."

"Or a beard." Carisi added with a mumble.

Catching this, Lucas let out a genuine laugh that made his eyes shut close and crinkle. It was the sort of laugh that thundered throughout, and made the room light up along with the people around. Seeing him with such joy had even made Sonny crack a small smile.

Moments after Lucas had calmed down from laughing, the host's voice echoed, as he began speaking through a microphone. He first introduced himself, spoke a little amount the history of the bistro and the event, then went on with instructions. A few men were picked to stay seated at a table, while the rest were instructed to rotate every five minutes. Carisi was chosen to stay seated, while Lucas had to rotate.

Lucas bid adieu with a wink, and Carisi was left somewhat flustered when making his way to the seat he was assigned. A sort of warmth transpired in Rollins chest, seeing how adorable he had looked with his rosy cheeks. She thought to tease him for his clear attraction, but Carisi continued to appear visibly nervous. With a light pat on his back, she reassured him once again, he had nothing to worry about. He nodded at her words, but his eyes wandered around, and she wasn't fully convinced he was listening.

When the timer went off, Rollins sat at an empty booth and watched as Carisi, rather hesitantly, introduce himself to the first of many men he will be meeting today. He was a smaller guy, and absolutely enriched with confidence, as told by his lifted chin and his seemingly never ending dialogue about how successful of a restaurant he owns. His inability to allow Carisi speak about himself for once had Rollins eye roll, and thankfully five minutes passed.

Carisi was then met with another man, quite younger than him. He had bright, blue hair along with a couple of piercings. He was highly expressive with his mannerisms, and perhaps a bit too loud and rowdy, even for Carisis' standards. He spoke using a plethora of current lingo, and Carisi furrowed his eyebrows with a concentrated look, probably trying to get his brain to decipher whatever the hell the kid was trying to say.

Next was a much more shy individual. He was attractive with his jaw line fair, and bouncy blonde hair, but spoke in whispers, and appeared like he was on the verge of tears for most of the conversation. Carisi seemed afraid to even speak to him, not wanting to hurt his feelings, or catch him off guard.

And after the shy fellow, in came what seemed like his alter ego, who was covered in tattoos and rings, and spoke in a deep and intimidating voice. When he smiled, a silver tooth shimmered and a flirtatious yet off-putting growl was released.

Carisi's discomfort seemed like it was heightening as the dates went on, and Rollins couldn't help but share in his pain. One would think time would help them adapt to the environment and the people around, but It felt as if the men were just based off of one character trait, similar to that of a cartoon character.

Perhaps ignorant for Rollins to question but, was this just what gay culture was? Just a bunch of men organized into separate groups and subgenres? If so, Carisi's awkwardness and lack of enthusiasm for the event was beginning to make sense. Everyone seemed to know who they were as gay men, and what they were looking for in other gay men. Carisi, however, had yet to fall into a category, the culture was still very new to him. That is, at least, what Rollins believed.

An hour passed and Rollins had completely given up on speed dating. Complete disappointment and dissatisfaction rained on Rollins, knowing she had yet to complete her mission.

Resting her chin on her hand, she viewed the bored Carisi await his next and last date. But, her monotonous demeanour quickly faded almost simultaneously, when spotting Lucas making his way to Carisi's table. Her head perked up with her interest reignited, and Luca's brown eyes glimmered in delight as he shook Carisi's hand. The once tense detective was now loosened up with a charmed smile.

"Can't lie to you, Sonny," Lucas scratched the back of his neck with a shy grin. "I've been real eager to final get some time with you."

Carisi's eyebrows quirked up ever so slightly in what seemed like surprise, "Hope the wait was the worth it, then."

"I mean, you always have to save the best for last, right?" He gave another one of his sly winks, and Carisi's smile widened. Lucas went on, "How's the rest of you're dates been?"

Carisi hesitated for just a second. "Interestin'" He then looked off to the side and gave awkward glances back at the other. "This is uh, actually my first time doin' this whole, y'know, speed datin' thing."

"Oh, kinda overwhelming, I bet?"

"Got that right."

"I get it." Lucas nodded, before taking a sip of his beer. "This style, eh, it's not my kinda thing as well. Too forced, I think. But it's how I met my previous long term partner, so I thought, why not try it again and see if sparks fly?"

"So, did ya see that happenin' this time around?"

With soft eyes, Lucas looked at Carisi with a sweet smile before answering in a low tone, "Sure hope so."

As the date went on, their chemistry continued full force, as they laughed together, and had remained with steady eye contact. Lucas went on to compliment Carisi's glowing, blue eyes, despite one of them being swollen, and then he had placed a playful hand on top of his. He kept it there seeing as Carisi was seemingly unbothered, and for the first time, he appeared comfortable with his date.

Rollins gushed at the romantic sight. Her heart felt so full, and she could barley hold herself from letting out an audible "aw".

Along with Rollins, Lucas appeared disappointed when hearing the bell ring for them to end the date. Quickly, he wrote something down on a piece of paper, and slid it across the table towards Carisi, before getting up whispering in his ear. As a response, Carisi chuckled with a nod, and he watched Lucas as he left the table.

Carisi hopped off his stool, and stretched a bit before approaching Rollins who gave teasing looks. They only spoke about it once exiting the bistro, and returning back into the cold, wintery wonderland.

Hooking her arms through Carisi's, Rollins began her questioning,

"So, what'd you think?"

"It was somethin'" Carisi popped a tic tac into his mouth and shrugged his shoulder.

With his vagueness, Rollins pushed further, "That Lucas guy seems pretty cute, huh? I think he really likes you."

"You think?" He said not excitedly, but rather carelessly and unaffected.

Despite this, she continued to tease, "Yeah, and I bet you really like him as well."

Instead of the flustered and rosy cheeked reaction she expected from him, he simply shrugged again. "Eh, he's alright."

His lack of enthusiasm offended Rollins on Lucas' behalf, and her automatic response was to slap Carisi's arm. She did so with blunt force, and Carisi flinched and his eyebrows furrowed in shock.

"Ow, what the hell?!" He paused in the middle of the sidewalk and the irritated blonde unhooked her arms, to cross them.

"Just alright?!" Her forehead wrinkled. Her anger was more aggressive than necessary, but she could not quite control her sudden rage, so she simply allowed it to flow freely.

"I dunno, what else do you want me to say?!" Carisi had his hands in front of him, as if a shield to prepare himself for the damage she may cause to him again

"Not that bullshit! He was not just "alright", Carisi, he was the only guy who you had real chemistry with!"

"Rollins, I have chemistry with everyone--"

She hit him again with a even greater impact, and he let out a yelp.

"Alright, alright!" Carisi yelled, and she stopped in her pose, with her fist raised. She awaited for him to continue with little patience, and he did so with hesitation. "Look, I just-- he's nice and all, but I just really don't see a relationship with him, y'know?"

"But, you two were really cute together!" Rollins suddenly felt the need to sob, with the memories of the wholesome interaction between Carisi and Lucas. For that to be forever gone was absolutely heartbreaking. "And, he was such a good guy!"

"He is a good guy, I know." Now, Carisi was the one comforting Rollins with a sincere tone. "But I just don't see it happenin', Rollins, I'm- I'm real sorry."

Rollins glanced up at Carisi, and saw he was as defeated as she was. With a frown, she nodded in acceptance for his decision, and sniffled subconsciously. "You don't have to apologize. If he wasn't the one for you, we'll find someone who is."

"Rollins, we don't have to do that." He insisted with a sigh. "I'm not lookin' for a boyfriend, remember? The whole point of this trip was to get myself familiar with the community and meet a few people, which I did, and it's over. So, why don't you go home, and start takin' it easy?"

She squinted at him, and he flinched, probably afraid of being hit again. "Are you using my pregnancy as an excuse again?"

"Yeah I am," was his surprise answer. "because you won't."

She rolled her eyes, and continued walking without him. "I'm fine, Carisi."

Carisi didn't yell nor run after her this time around, and the silence was nice. As much as he was irritating her at this moment, she was still very much determined to find Carisi's pride. No way was she going to leave those case unsolved. Her friend was in need of help, and she was going to find a solution. The problem was, Carisi's single statues was as stubborn as her own determination.

Who could possibly be Carisi's source of pride, if he hadn't even accepted eleven other guys, along with the charming Lucas? His standards were so high, Rollins couldn't help but wonder why that was. It was just odd for Carisi to be so confident in knowing that he had seen no future with Lucas within the five minutes they talked. There had to be a real reason why Carisi hadn't even thought about giving Lucas a chance.

Like the gusting of the powerful winter winds, the realization hit Rollins with immense impact. Her eyes widened and her pace had slowed down, with a light bulb practically shining above her head again.

Now, her mind was clear with only one thought; Carisi hadn't given Lucas another chance, nor even think to do so, because he already had someone on his mind.

Carisi was distracted with a man he yearned to be with, and if not, will find anyone who was similar. But of course, not having the real deal left him completely unsatisfactory, and kept his standards near impossible to reach. Who this someone was, Rollins had only a hunch. But it was hunch she felt strongly about, and she would not be a surprise if she was correct.

Finally with a lead, she smiled to herself and her confidence sky rocketed. With a little more research, and a more thought out plan, it was settled; Rafael Barba was about to get a surprise visit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all had a merry Christmas or/and happy holiday! 
> 
> Enjoy the next chapter! ;)

Rafael Barba, perhaps the most ruthless prosecutor to ever grace the Special Victims Unit, was an individual Carisi had a very clear fascination for. Understandably, any law student would. Barba was on top of every case he pursued, and usually rained victorious with ease and determination. Carisi would have been a fool not to take the chance to be mentored by such an accomplished figure.

Usually, the bright-eyed detective was found following the attorney around, with a pen and notepad in hand, ready to take any sort of notes to help him through law school. But, maybe now, looking back, it wasn't just Carisi's interest with the court system that made him look up to the experienced lawyer, but genuine affection.

Every time Barba entered the precinct, a sort of glimmering spark lit up in Carisi's eyes. An excited smile emerged, as his chest puffed. He would give sly remarks towards the lawyer in hopes of getting at least a chuckle, but Barba was quick witted and deflected his comments quicker than Carisi could even speak. Then, there were the little things that made Carisis' little crush edvident, like the shy glances, and flirtatious dialogue, and how close they sat next to one another no matter the amount of space left on the couch.

It were these subtle interactions spotted on a day to day basis that seemed to be adding up to something much more real.

That was until the baby Drew case.

No one could have predicted the final moments of ADA Barba's career. There he was up on the stand, completely broken out of his stoic and bold facade, testifying about his decision of pulling the plug of a suffering infant. Never has Barba been seen so vulnerable, so lost, so utterly terrified. That is how lieutenant Benson described him to be, at least.

Rollins, Carisi, and Fin had not attended the trial due to being swamped with paper work that particular day. Or maybe it was their utter confusion for the whole situation Barba had found himself in. Or maybe it was because they did not want to see a good friend of theirs in such a emotional state, when they were so use to the opposite. It's been nearly a year, and Rollins still did not know the answer.

But she knew Barba made the right decision to move on with his life, and resign from the Special Victims Unit to pursue something new. What that something new was, was another question she did not know the answer to. She had little to no contact with him and had only known one person who kept in touch; Olivia Benson.

Now, Rollin's had predicted that Benson would be hesitant to share information about Barbas whereabouts, so she did what any good detective would do; she eavesdropped on their phone conversation. And from the bits and pieces she received from standing inches away from Bensons office door, she came to the conclusion that Barba was now teaching law at a college. With a quick google search on one of those teacher rating websites, she found his profile and school, and was now headed halfway across Manhattan.

On the subway, she was alone. She thought it best to keep Carisi from worrying about her pregnancy, and thought he would be reluctant to visit Barba anyway.

Arriving at the school, she was met with busy students, looking down at their expensive textbooks as they made their way inside their buildings. Many seemed to have just grabbed whatever clothing they saw first in their closet, and tossed it on, while their combs only stroked their hair once or twice. They were similar to that of a zombie, with the darkened circles around their eyes, along with their pale exterior. Rollins followed a few of these mopey students inside, as they headed to the south building. Her detectives badge was placed safely inside her pocket in case she was asked for identification, but she was able to just waltz right into the building with no questions asked.

She soon arrived in front of the lecture hall Barba was expected to be in. Before entering, she braced herself for what she was about to see. What her plan even was, she had no clue. But she was already standing at the door, with Barbas voice piercing through, and her hand on the handle, ready to be pushed to reveal the current statues of an old friend. With a sharp inhale, she entered the room.

She couldn't help but grin, spotting Barba, hair noticeably greyer, standing in front of a class of scattered students who typed away on their laptops. His once clean shaven jaw was no longer, and instead, he allowed dark stubble to grow. What replaced his three piece suits was much more casual clothing, but still fit with his elegant taste. He spoke with such proficiency and even with Rollins sudden entrance, Barba was still concentrated on his lecture.

By the end of the lesson, the students shuffled out of the lecture hall, and Rollins was seated in the back corner. She watched Barba, as he packed his things into his leather brief case, seemingly unaware of her presence.

At least, that was what she thought, until the room was completely empty with only the two of them, and he suddenly spoke in his usual smug tone, with his eyes still focused on organizing his paper work.

"Afternoon, detective."

Rollins eyebrows twitched while he remained with an plain expression.

"Same to you." She greeted him back slowly. "How long--"

"Have I known you were sitting there?" He closed his brief case, and tilted his head upward, giving a sly glance up at her. "Around the time you dragged your chair against the floor and made that horrifying screeching noise."

"So from the very start, then?"

"Yeah," A small smirk emerged. "That's about right."

Rollins rolled her eyes in a playful manner. He was still the snarky Barba everyone knew and loved.

She then allowed herself to stand despite the weight of her belly, and her already aching feet. In silence, she dragged her fingers across the desks, and took a moment to glance around the lecture hall. It wasn't an overwhelmingly large room, like a lot of college classes were. It was modest, and comfortable, and oddly welcoming.

"You've got a nice thing going on here, huh?" She looked over at Barba, and caught him looking at her stomach. He quickly looked up and nodded.

"I suppose." Was his short answer.

"It suites you, I think." She commented. "Being a teacher, I mean."

Barba looked off to the side and shrugged, not quite accepting the compliment. "The idea of me teaching wasn't something I planned on doing but when the opportunity presented itself, I thought it to be a reasonable path to take..." He paused in his speech and watched Rollins carefully as she now travelled down the stairs of the lecture hall. "Uh, do you need help?"

Hesitantly, he walked towards her with his hands out, but Rollins showed him her palm. "I'm fine, thank you." She insisted with a smile and Barba leaned back onto his desk.

Soon enough, Rollins had taken a spot beside Barba, leaning against his desk as well. With a closer look at the former lawyer, the bags under his eyes were a bit darker, but still remained was a small yet sincere smile.

As she subconsciously laid a hand on her belly, Barba looked down at it once again but did so for a longer period of time, "How far along are you?"

"Five months."

"And you've been doing ok?" He asked slowly.

"I've been alright." She shrugged her shoulder, and Barba looked off the floor. Then, silence was introduced. Rollin's bit the insides of her cheek and in a low tone, went on, "The father is around if you're wondering..."

Barba nodded not quite sure what to do next. She quickly changed the topic,

"I wanted to talk to you about something else, though." Her voice turned much more lighter. "It's a bit random, ill admit."

"Seeing you for the first time in almost a year, disrupting my class, all while being pregnant was pretty random, so I think I'll manage."

Rollins scoffed. She couldn't quite disagree with him there.

"It's about, uh--." She held herself from saying Carisi's name. "A friend of mine..."

Barba's eyebrow quirked up, with his hands slipping into his pockets. "Do go on."

"He has this sort of dilemma, I guess. He just came out as bisexual, but he's now struggling to find his pride-- a boyfriend, if you will. Problem with that is, his family is expecting him to bring a guy over for Christmas, but no matter how hard he looks, he just can't find the right man..."

"Is this about Carisi?" Barba chimed in with Rollins still having a word come out of her opened mouth and he let out a chuckle.

"How'd you know?" She questioned.

"That he's bisexual?" Barba tilted his head, and she nodded. Barba answered, "He never told me, but I knew he was attracted to men for a while now. I mean, have you seen the way he looks at me?"

He phrased it as a joke, but Rollins could help but take it as the truth.

"I have, actually." With this, Barba side eyed her curiously. She went on, "He- he looks at you with this sort of gentle, sparkle in his eye-- like you're the only one he sees."

He parted his lips to speak but decided against it. He looked down at the grey carpet, as if deep in thought, remembering those little moments. She allowed him to do in silence and finally, he let out a breathy sigh, "Wow, Rollins..." He muttered softly, "That... was the cheesiest thing I have ever heard."

Rollins face dropped once seeing a cunning smirk emerge from his face, and he spoke like he could not contain his laughter "Have you ever considered writing for Hallmark?"

"Hey, I'm being serious!" She pouted in slight embarrassment. "He had a thing for you, you know that, right? And I wouldn't be surprised if you liked him as well."

"What makes you say that?" The question sounded more like a challenge than genuine curiosity.

"Oh, several reasons."

"Name one."

She only thought for a second before answering, "When Carisi was still in law school, you would stay late nights in your office just to mentor him."

He shrugged, "You two stay at the office over hours alone all the time."

"Yeah, because we're obligated to do so. It's our job. Mentoring Carisi on the other hand, is a personal choice you had to make. You didn't have to take time out of your schedule for him, yet you did."

"What can I say, I'm a generous man."

"Really? 'Cause, I once walked into your office when you were on your lunch break and you ignored me for a full thirty minutes."

"Oh yeah," He looked up at the thought quite amused. "I remember that."

"Great, so now we're on the same page."

"I never denied the fact that I liked him." He stated, glancing back at her. "I was just curious about how you knew."

"Oh..." Her eyes widened, once finally getting confirmation out of him. A grin emerged, "So you actually _were_ flirting with him all those times?"

"You seem surprised?"

"I'm- I'm not but like, this is great!" She sat up from the desk and dragged her fingers through her blonde hair with excitement. "This works perfectly!"

"What works perfectly?" He eyed her with suspicion.

"You and Carisi!" She exclaimed, and Barba raised an eyebrow. She went on, "Listen, I have a theory, Carisi isn't comfortable with getting a boyfriend because he is still in love with you!"

"Love?!"

"Yes, love!"

Before she could express herself any further, a hard kick attacked from the inside of her belly, and her once joyous face was replaced with pain. She let out an unintentional yelp, and paused where she stood.

"Ok, first of all, detective," Barba quickly gripped her arms and lead her to a nearby chair. "You need to relax. You throwing around the L word is frightening me."

She frowned, about to say something, but Barba continued, "And second of all, shouldn't you be home? I'd imagine being this pregnant is incredibly tiring and stress inducing."

Rollins let out an annoyed huff, "Why does everyone keep telling me to go home?! Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm hopeless." Another spike of pain hit her she groaned even louder.

"That's why." Barba rolled his eyes. He grabbed a water bottle from his desk and placed it in front of her. "We know you're not hopeless, but we also see you need rest. And knowing you, you've probably been forcing yourself to prove that you're capable of what we think you're not. But if you keep ignoring the pain that your so clearly in, you're just going to make yourself miserable."

Barba tilted his head towards the water bottle, and she let out a sigh, removing the cap to take a sip out of it.

"Third of all--"

"Oh, there's more?"

"It's my last point," He claimed. "Third of all, if you were planning on setting me up on a date with Carisi, then I'd like to politely decline."

"What?!" She gulped the water down roughly, and looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"Let me explain," He held out his finger before she could yell at him. She gritted her teeth and leaned against the chair in silence, allowing him to go on, "He's a good guy, I know he is. Irritating? Sure. But he's also very smart, and kind, and it helps that he is easy on the eyes. In all honestly, I would be delighted to go on a date with him, but the question is; would he want to as well?"

"Well, of course he does!"

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes, he does."

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes, he does." She repeated slower and louder. "Rafael, I think you're just being too hard on yourself."

He shook his head and folded his arms, "This has nothing to do with my self confidence, i'm just being realistic and the harsh truth is, he does not want to go on a date with me. And do you want to know why I know that?" He paused, looking down at the puzzled eyes of Rollins. She had no answer, so he went on to provide it, "You're here and he's not."

Rollins mouth slanted as she thought about his logic, but simply could not accept defeat,

"He's just shy--" she began saying but was cut off by Barba laughing.

"Oh please," He smirked, "When I flirted with him, he would flirt back with the subtleties of an actor performing for a broadway production. So, obviously, Carisi isn't shy-- far from it, really. But you know what he is? Not ready to be in a gay relationship."

"That's..." She thought for a moment, "exactly what he told me."

"Then, why didn't you listen?"

"I thought he just needed help finding the right person."

Barba looked at her in contemplation before going on, "You said he was trying to find his, er, gay pride, correct?"

She nodded.

"Well, finding gay pride isn't always about finding a boyfriend." He said much more kindly, as he allowed himself to lean on the desk that Rollins sat behind. "It may be for some, but I don't believe this is the case for Carisi. He's been closeted for some time now, and it isn't because he's shy. There's something bigger, and even though he's "officially out", there's still some things he needs to work out before he goes on and gets himself a boyfriend."

"Like he still has some burden within himself that I need to release...." She quoted Carisi with a mumble, only now realizing what he had been trying to tell her.

"Exactly."

Rollins let out a sigh, and was silent in defeat. Why she thought it wise to argue with a lawyer was beyond her, but having someone speak the truth without the extra fluff was what snapped her back to reality.

It was becoming clear, this wasn't some movie or television show where Rollin's the best friend helping someone find love during the holiday season. She needed to put the mistletoe, the roses, and the candy canes aside, no matter how fun these aspects may be. She needed to think realistically, she needed to listen to Carisi, she needed to help him find his pride, no matter how little she understood his situation.

With a thank you to Barba, and plans to hang out some other day, she was on her way. But before she could step out of the building, Barba, out of breath, stopped her in her tacks and told her,

"When he's ready, tell him I am too."

She smiled with sincerity and promised to do so.

~•~•~•~•~

Rollins had arrived home to take Barba's advice, and everyone else's for that matter: she was going to finally rest in the comfort of her home. Admittedly, unwilling to do so once entering her messy apartment. The urge to put everything it's place was bugging her tremendously, until she felt herself sink into her warm and soft couch. Almost immediately, her eyes shut and she was left snoring until the sun came up. When she woke up, she felt refreshment like no other. It was as if she was floating on a cuddly cloud, with absolutely no worry, no burden bombarding her mindset. No longer was she shivering from the cold, or aching from the walking. She glanced out at the window, and enjoyed the snowy scenery from indoors, instead of suffering through it.

But, sudden panic hit her once realizing she hadn't fed Jesse and her dog. Onice sitting up, she was put at ease Andy smiled seeing Al and her daughter colouring paper at the kitchen counter while Frannie was slurping some water from a bowl.

For the rest of the day, she laid comfortably on her bed in unrestrictive clothing, and was cared for by her boyfriend. But something in the back of her head bugged her, making her not fully embrace the peace relaxation. For a few more minutes, she stayed in bed before whipping her blanket off, and putting on her fluffy bunny slippers.

Her mission was yet to be completed.

~•~•~•~•~

Al had dropped Rollins of at Carisi's not-so-local grocery store. It was perhaps, the most Italian place she has ever found herself in. The smell of freshly baked goods, and pastries surrounded her no matter the aisle she was in, and a harsh stereotype of a cartoon chef was stickers all throughout the walls. The only thing that wasn't on brand was the English spoken Christmas music playing through the PA system.

Making a quick tour around the store, she spotted Carisi at the opposite end of where she was, and he took a turn to the dairy section, pushing a shopping cart filled with ingredients. As quickly as her pregnant belly could take her, Rollins travelled through a few aisles ahead, in hopes of catching up with him. When making her way to the end, Carisi was moving towards her direction, but his eyes were still focused on the wide selection of cheese. Picking out a block of cheese, he continued walking straight. With this, Rollin's marched towards him, and gripped the end of the shopping cart for him to stop moving, then exclaimed,

"I understand now!"

"Jesus Christ--" With Carisi practically jumping out of his skin, he lost grip of the block of cheese that held, tried juggling it in the air, until it fell to the ground.

No matter his flabbergasted reaction, and no matter the confused bystanders starring in their direction, Rollins could not help her hyper active mind. Incredible of how much overwhelming energy can be gained from a simple nap, "Carisi, listen--"

"Wait, no," He held his palms out, still shaking from the surprise. "What is happenin'?! Why are you here?!" He took a quick scan up and down seeing her without makeup, her messy hair in a bun, accompanied with her fluffy slippers and loose clothing, "And why are you in your pyjamas?!"

"I've discovered something, Carisi, I've discovered something amazing."

He took a cautious step away from her. "Is it hallucinogens--"

"What, no!" Her eyebrows furrowed in irritation, but quickly her smile crept back in, "It's sleep! I finally slept! And it was amazing!" She cried in an uncontainable joy and Carisi chuckled nervously.

Not matter his discomfort, she went on, "See, I've been trying to ignore my own pain for the whole week, trying to hide it from everyone else. But I realized that was doing no good. I was just miserable! So, with a help of a friend, I realized that I had to confront this agony of mine in order to feel good again." She explained and still, Carisi was confused but deeply engaged in the strength and passion of her voice.

Continuing on, she said, "And that's the same for you, Carisi. You've got this thing inside you that you just gotta let out, otherwise you're going to just be miserable."

With their eye contact attached to one another, Rollins could still see the uncertainty he was feeling. "So," He looked off to the side in deep thought. "You tellin' me I should give Lucas a second chance?"

"No, Carisi," She shook her head and he appeared surprised by her denial. In a more gentle voice, she went on, "You gotta find pride your _own_ way. Whatever is bothering you in here," She patted her chest, "You need to let go however you feel necessary."

With a worried look in his eyes, he bowed his head to cover his venerability. For a change, he had nothing cheeky to say, nor a joke to irritate her with. Instead his mouth stayed shut, unsure of how to respond. Rollins went up to him and laid a comforting hand on his arm. Looking up into his blue eyes she smiled, "Cmon, Sonny. Let's go find your pride, the right way this time."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed the title cause I thought it sounded better...
> 
> Hope you enjoy the last chapter!

Rollins watched as Carisi gently grazed his thumb against the drivers wheel with uncertainty in his eyes. She could only imagine the confusion he must be feeling right now.

In a low tone, Carisi asked, "What should I do?" 

She shrugged and offered him a soft smile, "I dunno, Carisi." He sighed at her answer. With this, Rollins placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and said, "It's your turn to lead the way."

~•~•~•~•~

Snow began to fall when Carisi and Rollins found themselves standing side by side, staring at the large crucifixion ahead of them. The freezing breeze was practically pushing them to go inside, and together, they entered the church. The two were greeted with the angelic sound of the children's choir, which echoed throughout the nearly empty structure. The choir was only practicing, but their soothing voices, accompanied by the enchanting notes played on piano, was enough to keep the hairs on Carisi's arms stand. For a moment, he stood by the doorway listening as they sung. 

It reminded him of his youth. He was once a choir boy, for at least a month, until he realized how terrible of a singer he was. One of the pastors of the church, Father Timothy, encouraged him to stay, saying that God did not care how he sounded, only if he expressed his love. Still Carisi was reluctant and thought it best to stay away from the choir.

When he finally quit, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He felt he was letting the church down. So, like the good catholic boy he was, he decided to serve God another way and instead became an altar boy.

As an adolescent, that was his mindset. If he could not love God one way, then he will do it another. Or, if he had done something he felt guilty of, he would seek forgiveness through his actions. 

But now, as an adult, he stood in front one a giant crucifixion, confused, fearful, unable to find a way out of his current vile guilt. 

He was bisexual, and there was no way to repent. 

Carisi was raised to act certain ways, and think certain ways. so, for the longest time, he pushed certain ideas and thoughts away because they were deemed evil, or unnatural, or disgusting, or abnormal. But deep down, he knew he couldn't keep up with this charades or any longer. 

He distanced himself from the church, and as a result, came to terms with his sexuality. It gave him a deep satisfaction and coming out to others did so as well. First it was his sister's, who were admittedly confused and hesitant at first, but slowly began to accept him. Then, it was his mother, who took a bit more time to process the new development, but she had handled it better thank Carisi expected. After, it was his other relatives who cheered him on, asked ignorant questions, and began treating him differently. Last, was Rollins, who supported him right away, which is all he really needed. 

Still, Carisi failed to feel prideful. The ever so evident burden resting in his chest, gripped its vicious claws onto him with a sort of annoying persistence. He desperately tried to ignore the nuisance, but it simply would not go away. 

With a heavy sigh, he glanced down at Rollins who was resting at a pew. He was expecting her to be uncomfortable or bored but instead, she seemed at peace as she pet her round stomach gently. 

"How long has it been since you've been to church?" Carisi couldn't help but ask. 

"Well," Rollins mused for a moment. "I've recently made my return, but before that, it had been a couple of years." 

"What made you come back?" 

"A life that was taken too soon." She answered quite honestly, with a sad smile. "I'm still not sure if I totally believe in the church and everythin' but... I don't know, I guess it's comforting to know that there's somethin' bigger waiting on the other side."

Carisi nodded in understanding. The job they had was tough one, and sometimes a little extra support was needed.

He looked back at the choir of children, and saw they had ended rehearsals, and were now shuffling their way through the back door. Now, the church was silent, with only a few guests scattered throughout. 

"I think I'm going to sit at the front." Informed Carisi, and Rollins nodded. 

"I'll be here."

Carisi, alone, now walked towards giant gross displayed ahead. He paused right where the platform began to rise, and he looked up at the crucifixion. He couldn't help but feel so small, so powerless, just standing in front of it. Regardless of how tense it made him feel, he bowed his head and blessed himself with the sign of the cross.  
He stood in silence for a while, unable to begin his prayer. 

Asking for forgiveness, he had done it so many times, but with the conflict he faces now, he did not feel it necessary to feel sorry.

Perhaps selfish to believe, but Carisi felt he was the one who deserved an apology instead. He could not even begin to describe how horrible everyone made him feel from childhood to now. He wasn't even aware of his own sexuality as a kid, yet the teachings of society, and the teachings of the church had made children believe it was a nasty thing to explore. And as an adult, people told him he was poisoned in the eyes of God, and this "phase" of his was going to taint his manhood. 

It felt easier to be straight, but pretending to be something he was not was another mission in of itself. He drank the night away to forget his urges, or forced himself to be with women that he was not attracted to, just to prove to everyone and himself that he was "normal." That he was a "real man". That he was still "pure" in Gods eyes. But that did no good. It just made him even more miserable. Yet, even with the harsh trauma and everlasting scars he had received from others, it was still Carisi who was deemed unacceptable to the catholic community.

Why was he the one that had to apologize? They didn't feel the pain that he did. They didn't have to go through the relentless bullying, or the sleepless nights of battling through confusing thoughts, or the guilt of being unable to change. They were the ones who made him feel all these awful ways. But they didn't care. They didn't understand him, because they didn't try to. He was terrified, and no one seemed to care. And still, he was suppose to be the one apologizing? 

Carisi looked back up at the cross, and clenched his jaw. He was no longer sad, or confused, or regretful, he was just angered. How could the teachings of someone deemed perfect be so harsh? Why did Carisi, and many others, have to face such unreasonable difficulties because of something they can't change?

He was ready to let out his rage. He had enough of the torture and the hilt everything and everyone made him feel. He was going to leave church, and leave God all behind. It was clear, the community did not accept him. And that broke his heart into a trillion pieces, but he would learn to cope, just like he has been doing all these years.

With his maddening adrenaline rushing through his veins, he inhaled sharply, and opened his mouth to say his final goodbyes. But the cross stared down at him, and he stared back. It was so much bigger than him... 

He exhaled a shaky breath. He just can't do it. He never could. No matter how hard he tried, he just could not cut ties with the church. He loved the warmth he felt on Sunday masses, surrounded by his family as they listened to Father Timothy preach. He adored the charity work they would do for the kids hospital, every Christmas, and how gleeful they appeared when Carisi came knocking and their door with boxes of gifts. And when his father passed on, he was reassured, knowing that he was able to rest with God now. 

It became clear, much like his bisexuality, his Catholic roots were apart of him and there was no way of pushing that away. But, was it even possible to be both religious and bisexual when both communities were at war? 

All Carisi really wanted were answers. That's all he needed, some sort of answer, some sort of support, some sort of sign that God was listening. That God was seeing how much of a struggle he was going through. That God was still there for him. That he was going to be fine.

But how was he to receive an answer if the person he was asking did not speak back? 

"It's ok." 

A mellow voice removed Carisi from his thoughts. Through his watering eyes, he glanced over to the voice beside him and saw a nun standing a few inches away from him with a gentle smile. 

"Whatever you're struggling with, it's going to be ok." She said, and he looked at her in awe.

The light came through the purplish stained glass windows and hit her directly. At the sight, and at her words, Carisi's heart beat began to quicken, and his eyes were welling up with an unexplainable yet overwhelming feeling within his chest. 

She continued on when Carisi had nothing to say, "You're not as far from God as you think. Just don't be afraid to accept Him. Because when you accept Him, you will be able to accept yourself."

She glanced up at the wooden cross in front of them. "Come, look at Him. Tell me, what do you see?" 

Carisi cleared his throat before responding, "...A cross?" 

"Dig deeper, and tell me again, what do you see?" Carisi frowned unable to understand what she meant. She chuckled, "Don't be afraid, just squint just a little. What do you see?" 

His eyes darted the floor awkwardly then back up at the cross.

"I see..." he began hesitantly, "God?" 

"What else?"

"Family?"

"What else?" 

He paused for moment, and found himself concentrating even harder, "Hope."

"What else?" 

"Acceptance." 

"What else?"

"Love." 

"What else?" 

For a moment, he was silent, utterly speechless by the beauty he was currently witnessing. It was a sort of magical spark, a new and unexplainable colour, that gave tightened his breath. Now, the aching in his chest exploded, and the result of it was a smile that slowly faded on. He blinked the tears away from his eyes. He could see it so clearly now. 

"Me." He answered. "I see me."

~•~•~•~•~

Rollins had asked Carisi what happened, but all he did was thank her for her help. She did not quite understand his sudden confidence, but accepted it nonetheless. He seemed happier now, and finally, her mission was complete. 

Carisi then made the brave decision of visiting his family for Christmas. His relatives still pestered him with questions about his love life, and he still received passive aggressive glances. Yet he remained unaffected and enjoyed the party instead. Even without a partner by his side, and the homophobic comments by his cousins, he was for the first time, truly proud of who he was. He was bisexual, he was Catholic and he was going to be fine. 

Because finally, he found his pride.

~•~•~•~•~

The weird slushy snow of February surrounded Manhattan. Despite the nasty weather, Carisi was headed north to visit an old friend. He passed by a flower shop on the way, and grabbed a bundle of roses, which went along with his black tie. Entering the building, he weaved his way through the hallways but paused at a mirror to adjust his collar. Continuing on with his adventure, he allowed himself inside the lecture hall that was a little a bit too easy to get into.

There, he was introduced to an empty classroom. And at the bottom platform of the room was the man he was searching for but had not seen in a year. A warmth transpired in his chest, he was still as sharp looking as ever.

Carisi's sudden entrance had made the others eyes widen, and the two met eyes with one another, and there they stood frozen. 

"Afternoon, professor." Carisi greeted him quite slyly. "You said you'd be waiting?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this was inspired by the Always Sunny season 13 finale. They had a really unique way of dealing with the conflict between homosexuality and religion, which I thought was pretty cool. Since I was so inspired, I went on to incorporate similar elements into my own story, and this was the result!
> 
> So, thanks for reading! This was a blast to write and I hope you all enjoyed.


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